


The Gold and the Grey

by right_at_the_end



Category: Doctor Who RPF
Genre: F/M, Heavy Angst, Mattex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-07
Updated: 2015-06-19
Packaged: 2018-03-06 11:29:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 11,659
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3132791
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/right_at_the_end/pseuds/right_at_the_end
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Alex and Matt like each other, a lot. But Alex pushes him away when he tries to make anything happen, and soon it could be too late...I suck at summaries, basically if you want torturous angst, cuteness, sexiness and feels, it's all here! xx Alex Kingston Matt Smith Mattex</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Poire Royale

**Author's Note:**

> this is kind of a setting up chapter i guess, but hopefully you'll like it. there will be eight chapters all together :) xx

The Gold and the Grey  
Chapter 1; Poire Royale  
He watched her, fascinated. Alex Kingston was filming the scene at the start of Time of Angels, wearing a lovely black dress that flattered her frame. They weren’t shooting the scenes in order, so they had already done the scene where River “flies” into the TARDIS and lands on the Doctor. Matt had had his own idea for that, and let’s just say he had lost some of the feeling in his…yeah.

He looked at Alex carefully as she filmed her parts, completely in awe of how easily she slipped into a relatively unfamiliar character. The experience showed on her face, her eyes had sparkled earlier when Matt had shyly asked her for advice. He greatly admired her, and if he was honest, she was kind of attractive-in a very unique way, he had never seen someone with this kind of attractiveness before. This was their second time meeting, as they had had a read-through a day previously.  
*************************************************************************************************************************************************************************  
As she walked back to set from her trailer, Alex noticed a tall frame walking towards her, his floppy brown hair falling into his face. Upon realising it was Matt, she suddenly became self-conscious in her heavy army-style costume. She knew it wasn’t the most flattering of outfits, and for some reason she just felt the need to look good around Matt. She put it down to knowing that he admired her, and not wanting to disappoint him. Really, though, she knew that if she was about fifteen years younger, he would be the kind of bloke to awaken the nervous schoolgirl within her.

“Hey, Alex! Well done on the filming, you were amazing!” Matt was gesturing wildly and beaming, his hair bouncing with every movement.  
“Thank you, sweetie” she replied flirtatiously, “you weren’t too shabby yourself!”  
This made him blush and laugh, she looked so small and sweet in the costume, and he could only reply with “Is that why you injured me, trying to outdo me?” He winked to show he was joking, but she still looked slightly guilty. He regretted that decision.  
“Sorry Matt, I did try to keep my knees out of the way!” They both laughed, and a few minutes of awkward silence ensued. She watched, amused, as Matt fidgeted awkwardly. He made her think of a clumsy giraffe, and yet he was still adorable.  
Scratching the back of his head, he broke the silence, saying “So, would you like to come to the pub with Kazza and the boys tonight? We thought it might be a good plan seeing as it’s your first day as a regular.”  
“Oh, that’d be lovely, thank you.” Her smile was small and just for him, and they chatted on the way back to the set about who River Song could be in relation to the Doctor. Little did he know, Alex had all the spoilers!

The rest of the working day was one of the best Alex had had in a long time, and it was spent meeting wonderful new people, messing around with Karen and Arthur and flirting playfully with Matt. Back in the hotel, she changed into a little red dress and black heels, teased her hair so it looked bigger than ever and headed off in the cab to a pub called The Gold and the Grey.  
*************************************************************************************************************************************************************************  
The pub was surprisingly ordinary, Matt thought, considering its unusual name. He hadn’t actually been there before. It was Karen’s turn to choose and she wanted a change…in truth, she was hiding from the bartender in their usual pub because she had fallen on him while trying to river dance, spilling drinks everywhere. She couldn’t face the embarrassment of going back there yet.

So far, it was quiet, but that was good. It was warm and cosy, with a real fire and a guitar hanging on the wall above it. They were seated at a table in the corner, and for once they felt as though they had some privacy. Karen was already slightly tipsy, and was talking enthusiastically about how good Alex had been while shooting and how lovely a person she was. The low chatter that had been going on in the pub suddenly died down; Arthur and Karen had their backs to the door, but Matt could see what-or, rather, who-everyone was staring at. His friends twisted around to look, too, as his jaw dropped open in shock.

Alex Kingston had stepped into the room, looking like she’d fallen straight from heaven. Her red dress hugged her curves and brought out the red of her full lips. It also made more noticeable the deep blush that had spread across her face and chest at the realisation that everyone was staring at her. In that light, Matt say new elements to her features-the gold flecks in her eyes, how the light caught in her magnificent hair, the shy tense in her shoulders at the unwanted attention. He was blushing for her-he would hate this-but she was positively adorable and he caught her gaze, smiling reassuringly and gesturing for her to come and sit with them.

She glided gracefully over and sat in the seat beside Matt. “Sorry I’m late, the cab driver didn’t know where this place was, nearly gave up!” She glanced around, then asked quietly “Why was everyone staring? Do I have something on my face?”  
“Nope,” Matt answered, “You just look absolutely gorgeous, that’s all.” He looked deep into her eyes, and for a few endless moments they were held like this, each trapped by the other’s mesmerising gaze. Karen, glad to have Alex here, interrupted the moment.  
“Alex, you look stunnin’! This round’s on me! What would you like?”  
“Beer!” yelled Matt and Arthur in unison, and all four giggled hysterically.  
“Alex, wha’ abou’ you?”  
“I’d love a Poire Royale, Karen, thank you. I’ll get the next round, too.”  
“Ooh, that sounds interesting! I’m gonna try that!” Karen declared, clearly already losing her sensible side.  
“What’s a Poire Royale?” asked Matt when Karen had gone up to the bar to order. Alex only winked at him. She made his heart flutter when she did that.

Alex’s drink choice proved to be popular, as they had two more rounds before calling a cab and squishing in. Matt, who had Alex half-sitting on him, told her the drink tasted like her…the bartender had been a little too generous with the vodka.  
*************************************************************************************************************************************************************************Alex’s weeks in the UK flew by too quickly. She bonded incredibly well with Matt, Arthur and Karen. Over this time, they texted frequently and the Gold and the Grey became a regular place for them to drink. Alex found herself chatting to Matt far more than the others. He was amazing, there were so many different aspects to him that had to be discovered as you grew closer. Humour, seriousness, sensibility, vulnerability. Within a week, however, she knew his background, his hobbies, how he actually loved romantic films, how he was sweet and kind and funny…and that she liked him. It was only a stupid, immature crush and she denied it every time her heart fluttered at his touch, every time she blushed at his flirting with her.

Little did she know that Matt felt the same way. Texting her goodbye on the morning of her flight, his heart was heavy. She had to be one of the most fabulous people he had ever met. She was so smart and witty, she was flirtatious, compassionate, sexy and just completely beautiful, inside and out. By now he knew how her childhood was, what her husbands had been like, her difficulties raising her daughter…and her favourite little things, like cream liqueurs, roses and crisp autumn mornings. There was something so passionate about her, she was intriguing. However, he knew that she would never want anything to do with him. She would feel weird about the age gap and would probably view him as an immature schoolboy with a crush on the teacher anyway. 

Unbeknownst to them, they sighed in unison as Alex sat into the cab and Matt, at home in his flat, sent the goodbye text.


	2. Shakespeare's Vows

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so...this one is a bit odd, I guess. but I wanted to develop their relationship more before anything can happen. However, things will be revealed here and more things will be revealed soon! Lots of cuteness but quite a bit of angst, wouldn't recommend if you are already frustrated ;)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd just like to point out that any depictions of Salome or Florian here are nothing, I haven't a notion what they are really like (except that Salome seems absolutely lovely), so please don't take them as accurate descriptions! Thanks for reading! xx

Chapter 2-Shakespeare's Vows

Alex had never been gladder for a flight to be over. She sat on the plane with her eyes glued to the airport, tiny in the distance but coming rapidly closer. It had been an awful flight-sitting next to a drunken man who smelled like whiskey and sweat and snored his way through the journey was never pleasant-but more than anything, the prospect of seeing everyone at Who again was making her desperate to get off the plane. She had bonded with them all brilliantly, and had missed them for the three weeks she had been home. She had texted Arthur and Karen at regular intervals, but, surprisingly, she had had full blown conversations with Matt almost every day. It was costing them, but they didn’t care in the slightest.

Finally, the plane landed and the passengers made their way out into the airport. Alex was going to call a cab from there and go to a hotel close to the set. However, the first thing she saw when she arrived was a tall, lanky and unmistakeably clumsy figure running towards her. Before she knew it, she was crushed in a hug and Matt was babbling excitedly in her ear.

“Kingston! Oh, it feels like I haven’t seen you in yonks! How have you been? I just can’t believe you’re back!”

Alex could only gasp and attempt to breathe as his sudden closeness knocked the air from her lungs. His arms surrounded her, and for just a moment she let her eyes drift shut, let herself get lost in the sound of his voice and the smell of his hair as it tickled her face. God, she had really missed him-she hadn’t even noticed these things before.

“Whoa! Down, boy!” Karen tugged Matt gently off of Alex so she could breathe, but Alex was beaming, delighted to see them there. Arthur strode up to greet her also. 

After exchanging hugs and enthusiastic greetings, they all headed towards the luggage carousel to get Alex’s suitcases and then to the airport shop for coffee.

“So, what brings you here?” Alex enquired happily as they waited on their coffee.

“To see you, silly! It was Matt’s idea,” Arthur told her.

“Yeah!” Matt chimed in, “Why would we leave you on your own here? We’ve missed you so much!”

Alex giggled; he was so adorable, and she was so touched. She leaned against him fondly and gave him a one-armed hug. She couldn’t have asked for better friends-only a couple of months in and already they were this close. Close friends, she told herself sternly, with a glance in Matt’s direction. Nothing more.

Matt was telling himself the exact same thing as he tried not to stare at the beautiful woman whose arm was around his waist. He could smell her rose perfume, and her hair shone gold in the light. Friends, nothing more.

**************************************************************************************************************************************************

Alex waltzed around the museum room set playfully, holding the fez just out of Matt's reach as he loped after her, laughing but frustrated. Karen and Arthur were laughing with the rest of the crew at their antics, and the confidential cameras were filming them. Suddenly, Alex lost her balance and fell. In quite possibly the most graceful move he would make in his life, Matt caught her and landed dramatically on his knees, her face inches from his. Her hands clutched his chest and a blush of embarrassment spread over her cheeks. She looked stunning in her surprise, and she stared up at his handsome face in amazement. They were lost in each other's eyes, and didn't notice the crew applauding Matt's save until they started yelling at them to snap out of it.

He nearly dropped her in shock. Immediately they got up, muttering apologies and avoiding eye contact. Deep down, they both knew that that should have ended with a kiss, but neither thought the other would want it. Matt felt like he had made her uncomfortable, but Alex felt guilty about Matt having to catch her and about liking him so much when there was such an age gap.

None too surprisingly, they didn't include that part in the confidential.

**************************************************************************************************************************************************

"Can't you stay for a little longer?" Matt asked as Karen and Arthur put on their coats. He knew it was risky to stay at the Gold and the Grey alone with Alex, or to take a cab with her. His supposedly small and stupid crush was steadily blossoming into something much more.  
"Sorry Matt, we've got to meet Stephen at half six in the morning! And you know what I'm like when I'm drunk," Karen joked.  
"What are you meeting him about?" inquired Alex.  
"We don't even know ourselves!" said Arthur, pretending to be worried. They departed with a cheerful wave and left Matt and Alex at the table.  
"One more drink? I feel like I could take another of your pear-y things" said Matt, turning to Alex.  
"Okay, but just one more. We'll end up at work tomorrow with hangovers! And I'm paying."  
"No, I suggested it!"  
"Doesn't matter!" She retorted, jumping up and striding quickly towards the bar. He tried to grab her as she rose but missed and landed across her chair. He stayed there, winded, for a few minutes. She saw him from the bar and nearly collapsed in laughter. She tried to stop herself, she really did, but he looked so hopeless she just couldn't help it. Upon seeing her amusement, he leaped up, mortified. What an idiot he was-he could have slapped himself! Alex would never want anything to do with him if he behaved so childishly!

In fact, it was quite the opposite. She was finding it increasingly more difficult to push her attraction away. She wanted to be around him all the time. He was someone she felt she could trust with anything, someone selfless, someone who genuinely wanted to help everybody no matter how tough his own situation was. He could be silly and a little bit cringe-y sometimes, but he could also be extremely mature. He was wise beyond his years, and Karen and Arthur would often ask his advice. He was funny and smart and kind, and a genuinely loving person. He treated her with respect, something that many did not give her, and she felt safe and comfortable around him. It was killing her to be so much older than him. No matter how much she wanted it, it wouldn't change anything. He would want someone young, someone beautiful and youthful in spirit, not an old hippy like her. He would want someone who could have his children. It hurt badly, but she covered it up as he returned with the drinks.

**************************************************************************************************************************************************

Three rounds later, Matt was laughing at Alex's drunken attempts at conversation. There was a sparkle in her eyes and he found himself examining every line and curve that made up her face, as though trying to memorise it. He counted the wonderful laugh lines around her eyes, noticed the way her mouth curved when she smiled. She was so gorgeous. Her hair framed her face like a halo in a renaissance painting, and it seemed as though her looks could only be bettered by her personality. You could never feel uncomfortable with her. She was so compassionate towards everyone, she would try to help with any and all problems. Her sense of humour was brilliant. She was also independent, and could definitely stand up for herself. If only he could be hers. Matt noticed she had stopped talking, and realised that maybe he could see if he could find out how she felt about him. In his none-too-sober state, it all made sense-he just had to be delicate about it.  
"Alex?"  
"Yes, dear?"  
"I like you."  
"Oh, um...I like you too, Matt."  
"Yeah, but no, Alex, I really like you. You're funny and smart and kind and sexy. I've wanted to tell you for ages, you know...I just didn't know how." So much for being delicate, he thought, mentally slapping himself.

Alex didn't know how to react, so she giggled awkwardly. "Matt, you're really drunk! I think you've had enough."  
Noticing that the gleam in her eyes had dimmed, Matt tried desperately to save the situation. She was going to hate him! He'd ruined everything! "I'm not! It's like Shakespeare! You like Shakespeare, you told me so. With....I...no wait...with my body I thee worship!" He finished proudly.  
"Darling, that's a traditional wedding vow, it's not Shakespeare. And you are very drunk and going to regret this in the morning!" She was laughing on the outside, but as she managed to get them both into the cab, she felt like she was dying. Was he serious? Or was it just the alcohol? She didn't know which would be better, but it was so, so painful to turn him away. The minute she had said goodbye to Matt and gotten inside her hotel room, she threw herself down on the bed and sobbed her eyes out. It was the first time since her split with Florian that she had cried herself to sleep.

**************************************************************************************************************************************************

If a knock could sound reluctant, this one did. Alex knew straight away who was outside her trailer, and opened the door to find Matt looking very sheepishly up at her.  
"Hi," he said simply.  
"Hi," she replied, not knowing what to say.  
"Um, listen, Alex...I'm so sorry about what happened last night. I can't believe I said those things! I hope you won't think too little of me now, eh?" From behind his back he produced a little bouquet of roses, red, pink and white.  
"Oh, Matt! You mad thing! You didn't have to do this! Thank you so much. Come on in, I'll make you a cup of tea."

As she poured out the tea in the cramped trailer and put the bouquet in an empty Ballygowan water bottle ("Sorry, Matt, I'll get a vase for them!"), Matt attempted to explain himself.  
"Really, Kingston, I was too drunk to even think straight. I mean, you're such a brilliant friend, I can't imagine not having you around, but I don't...I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable. I'm very sorry for that."  
"It's fine, really! I've told you, I understand. I've done worse when intoxicated. And besides, the Shakespeare thing makes it all worthwhile!"  
"Oh, God, I can't believe I said that!"  
The pair collapsed in laughter, and although they were both aching to just let everything go and cuddle on the tiny couch for the next few hours, they managed to let conversation turn towards filming and the recent plots.  
Alex didn't cry when Matt left her with a brief kiss on the cheek. She banged her fists hard against the wall and stayed leaning against it for a while, needing the support to stay standing.  
It was Matt who cried when he got back to his own trailer. He should have told her. Maybe, even if she hadn't felt the same way, it wouldn't have destroyed their friendship. In that moment, he hated himself.  
That was truly when they each realised; no simple crush or phase of attraction could do this much. Only love.

 

**************************************************************************************************************************************************

Alex buried herself in her book once she had taken her seat on the plane. The one next to her was empty, and the window seat on her other side was occupied by a French woman who was also reading. She had smiled warmly at Alex when she sat down, but had not engaged in conversation. She seemed pleasant, though, and was a massive improvement to whiskey man last time.

She wished things were different. She wished she and Salome could just stay in England, without all the traveling and missing each other and dealing with Florian. She wished she was a lot younger, Matt's age. She wished she could be his, for him to truly love her the way she did him. She tried to distract herself with the book, tried to tell herself it wasn't really love. She was shaking from the effort of holding back her tears.

"Madame?" It was the woman beside her. She was very pretty, with soft red-brown hair falling past her shoulders, wide brown eyes and delicate features, though she made Alex think of Joni Mitchell. Hers was an expression of concern; Alex's innermost thoughts must have come through on her face.  
"Êtes-vous d'accord?"  
"I'm sorry, I don't speak French, um...English? Anglais?"  
"No. You...okay?"  
Alex nodded and managed a small smile. The woman smiled back and went back to her book. Alex wished the woman hadn't asked; it made her chest grow tighter and her eyes to water more.

**************************************************************************************************************************************************

Matt slept all day because he wasn't filming. He was devastated that Alex had gone back to L.A. without knowing how he felt. He hadn't had the guts to tell her after what he had said in her trailer. He knew that the next time she was filming, he needed to let her know, because even if things were made awkward for a while, how bad could it be? Certainly not as awful as he was feeling now. He needed her. So he slept, because in dreams he was with her always.


	3. Mutually Assured Destruction

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ...what she did next shocked him and completely contradicted everything he had thought a few minutes previously. Alex sat down quietly on the arm of the couch and stroked his forehead with the softest touch possible, and if there was love to be found in an innocent act like that, Matt felt that this was it. He struggled to keep his breathing steady as he felt his chest tighten and tears well up again. She moved to kneel down beside him with a heavy sigh, and shook him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy late Valentines day everyone! Thanks so much for the lovely comments, they mean a lot. I added a teensy fluffy bit but I'm snatching it away fairly sharpish, mwahaha ;)  
> I'd like to point out that some inspiration for this chapter was drawn from the song Love and Anger by Kate Bush (her music has gotten me through so much. she is an absolute genius, I would recommend looking her up!).  
> "It could take me all my life/But it would only take a moment to/Tell you what I'm feeling/But I don't know if I'm ready yet/You come walking into this room/Like you're walking into my arms/What would I do without you?"  
> Enjoy! xx

Matt watched her wander aimlessly around the display area, picking up buns and sandwiches and putting them back down again. After about five minutes she came over with a bowl of soup and sat across from him, eyes on the ground. She had been awfully quiet today, mooching around the set. No flirting, no giggling. She had broken a vase-a cheap, ugly vase-and nearly cried. Matt didn’t know what was wrong with her, but he had asked twice and she had avoided the question.

“Alex?”  
“I’m fine, Matt. Honestly. I just didn’t get much sleep last night.”  
“Actually, I was going to ask you if you wanted to come over for dinner tonight. To cheer you up. I won’t pester you into telling me anything, I promise. I just want to make you feel better.”

For the first time in hours, Alex looked him in the eyes. She considered this; there was, of course, the risk of her bursting into tears at his sympathy. Why was he so lovely? She didn’t want to cook tonight either. If she went to Matt’s, it might prevent her from drinking herself into a stupor and crying herself to sleep at 3 in the morning. She could use the company…  
“Are you sure? I wouldn’t want to be a burden.”  
“You are never a burden!”  
“Thank you.” It was barely a whisper. Alex stirred her soup around for a few minutes, feeling the tears sting her eyes. She knew she couldn’t hold them in, but she didn’t want to talk about anything yet. Choking the words out through the dull ache in her throat, she excused herself from the canteen table.  
“Sorry Matt, I’m really not hungry-I think I’ll just go to my trailer and read over my lines.”  
“Alex, wait!”

It was too late; she got up and hurried off. Matt tried to follow, calling after her, but even his long legs couldn’t match her quick pace. Damn, she walked fast! She was definitely hiding something. He watched her go with a feeling of determination and said to himself “I am going to find out what’s wrong. I swear to god, I’m going to find out and I will do anything to make it better.”

**************************************************************************************************************************************************

Standing at the door to Matt’s house, Alex plucked at the hem of her blue velvet skater dress. She almost wished she hadn’t worn it now. It wasn’t formal, it was a simple, comfortable shape, and she wore it with plain converse, but maybe she should have worn something fancier, or even less formal. It was Matt, though, not a dinner date. She shouldn’t have to think about it. He was one of her closest friends now. 

Shivering in the cold, she rang the doorbell. Within five seconds the door flew open and Matt pulled her into a tight hug. “Alex!”  
“Matt!” Alex laughed; he was so ridiculously…Matt.  
“Come in, dinner is almost ready! I hope you like lasagne and chips.”  
“Oooh, that sounds lovely.”

He sat her down at the table and started serving the meal. It smelled delicious, and Alex hadn’t really eaten much today. Once he had taken it up, he sat down opposite her and she brought out a bottle of red wine.  
“Thought you might like something to have with this,” she said, almost her usual self.  
“Oh Alex, you shouldn’t have!” he chuckled, opening the bottle and pouring a glass each. The dinner went by quickly; the food was divine and the conversation flowed easily. They talked about the new sets and two crewmembers getting married and laughed as they remembered the bloopers Karen and Arthur had created earlier. However, Matt completely avoided asking Alex about what was troubling her-that is, until he saw her eyes dim in the break in conversation.

“Alex?” She jolted as his voice intruded on her thoughts.  
“Hmm? Oh, sorry, Matt. I just…I zoned out a bit.”  
“What’s wrong, Alex? You haven’t been at all yourself today. Please tell me what’s wrong.”  
“Matt, you promised!”  
“I won’t pester you. I never said I wouldn’t ask. Trust me, Alex, please. Whatever it is, I won’t judge you or tell a soul. It might help to talk about it.”  
Her head fell forward, her eyes to the ground, her hair covering her face. Matt knew by the quaking of her shoulders that she was crying.  
Leaping to his feet, Matt rushed to console her. “Hey, hey, I’m sorry! I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t have pried!”  
“No, it’s fine, I’m just being silly!” She sobbed. He put his arm around her and led her to the couch in the sitting room. “I’m sorry I’ve been so short with you today, Matt.”  
“Don’t be ridiculous! It was fairly obvious that something wasn’t right. Do you want to tell me about it or shall I leave well enough alone? Though they do say a problem shared is a problem halved.” His heart broke seeing her like this; she was usually so strong, what could have upset her this much?  
“I hope” she whispered, trying not to burst into a fresh lot of tears, “that you won’t think little of me, Matt.”  
He almost kissed her, then, in that moment. “Nothing you could say would ever make me think little of you. I need you to know that, okay?” He wiped a tear from her cheek with his thumb. She was sitting hunched over on the couch, his arm around her shoulders to console her. 

“Well…I know I said I was separated from my second husband.” He nodded; she had had a daughter by him who meant the world to her. “Well, the truth is, we…we are divorced. A year ago today, in fact. It’s mad; I can’t seem to hold on to anyone! I’m a mess. My daughter is halfway across the world, I’m alone, and I’m getting too old to find work! What do I do?” She was weeping again, bitterly.

Matt looked at her and had no idea what to do. On the one hand, he was scared. It was usually he who went to Alex for advice, not the other way around. But he realised that she must trust him a great deal to speak of this to him when it was obviously something very personal. He loved her, he really did. So he gave her his honest opinion.  
“I’m sorry about the divorce, but it’s not your fault. It must have been such a massive loss to him, Alex, and you are blind if you can’t see that. I don’t know what kind of idiot would ever leave you. You’re daughter is clearly the most wonderful girl anyone could have, and anyone can see that you are the perfect mother. Don’t worry. Things will get better, I promise.”  
“Oh, Matt,” she sighed, “You truly are wonderful. I’m sorry for being so silly.”  
“You’re not.” He kissed the top of her head. She cried a little more, and neither of them said anything. She just needed to cry it out of her system. Eventually they ended up snuggled on the couch, and Alex drifted off in Matt’s arms. 

This, he thought, was the perfect moment. It was utterly calm, and he felt tears sting his eyes as he looked at Alex’s peaceful face. How he wished he could make her pain go away. How he wished they could be together. That did it-tears flowed freely down his cheeks, and he knew he would have to move or he would wake her with the shaking of his shoulders. He decided that she could have his bed, so he gently picked her up and carried her to his room. He fought desperately to keep his sobbing to a minimum when she snuggled further against his chest and whispered his name sleepily.  
As she slept, Alex looked like an artist’s masterpiece. He gazed upon her lovely face and tucked her in. She looked so beautiful and serene. He wept for almost an hour on the sofa after he forced himself away, crying himself to sleep.

**************************************************************************************************************************************************

“OOOOOHH, YESSIR! I CAN BOOGIE! BUT I NEED A CERTAIN SONG!”  
Dear, sweet lord, what was _that_?! Alex groaned sleepily, struggling up from under the covers and wiping drool from her mouth. Glancing around for the source of the noise, she found a retro style alarm clock on the bedside locker. She turned it off and noted the time; 7:30. Time to face the day. Now that she had Matt by her side, she felt like she almost could…almost.

But wait, where was she? She had been in Matt’s house last night, and then…oh, god.

She rubbed the sleep from her eyes and looked around the room. She was in a large bed with cream-coloured sheets which, she thought bitterly, could easily have fit two people. The walls of the room were a warm red, and in places held children’s drawings that had been given to Matt by his fans. So it wasn’t a guest room. She was _in his bed_. Where was Matt? Climbing out of the bed and stepping softly onto the hardwood floor, Alex realized gratefully that all Matt had done was taken off her shoes.

She crept into the living room to find him asleep on the couch without as much as a blanket. He, too, was still in his clothes and she wondered briefly why he had just fallen asleep like that. Unable to resist this vague whisper of a loving gesture that tingled on the tips of her fingers, she perched carefully on the arm of the sofa and gently pushed his long hair back out of his face, stroking his temple with her thumb. He looked incredibly soft in sleep, and she regretted that she would have to wake him for work. Moving and kneeling before him, she would have liked to crawl up beside him and stay there, the two of them nestled together in a light slumber. Instead, she brought her face level with his and gently shook his shoulder. “Matt? Matt, wake up. We’ll be late for work.”

**************************************************************************************************************************************************

Matt lay awake and contemplated his current situation. On the one hand, he could open his heart to Alex and say those three simple words, risking what to him was eternal damnation-her rejection. On the other, he could suffer in silence and hope that they would both be happy with the outcome. He chose the latter, because although it was the most difficult option, he knew there was no way she would want him. He loved her completely, and he felt so lucky to have her friendship that he wasn't willing to put it at stake for the world.

At half seven, he heard his alarm go off, followed by the pitter-patter of footsteps about five minutes later. He would have recognised them as hers even had she not been his only houseguest. He turned over as she walked in and pretended he was sleeping, not really having a reason to do so. He just wasn’t ready to “rise and shine” yet. He expected her to either head for the bathroom or maybe wake him up, but what she did next shocked him and completely contradicted everything he had thought a few minutes previously. Alex sat down quietly on the arm of the couch and stroked his forehead with the softest touch possible, and if there was love to be found in an innocent act like that, Matt felt that this was it. He struggled to keep his breathing steady as he felt his chest tighten and tears well up again. She moved to kneel down beside him with a heavy sigh, and shook him. Her voice nearly provoked a sob, it was so wonderful.  
“Matt? Matt, wake up. We’ll be late for work.” He stirred lazily, trying to seem as drowsy as possible. It really wasn’t that difficult; her voice, bittersweet as it was to him at that moment, was still as intoxicating as ever.  
“Hmmph? Oh, right. Morning.”  
“Morning, sweetie. Would you like to explain to me why I woke up in your bed and you are out here giving yourself hypothermia?”  
“What? I’m not-“  
“Your fingers are turning blue, dear.”  
Oh, so they were. Also, he realised, Alex had been in his bed. _In his bed_. If only they could have shared in that experience. He decided to explain himself.  
“You were tired and sad. I was too awake and thinking. Didn’t want you waking up out here on a sofa. I don’t mind a bit.”

**************************************************************************************************************************************************

Alex persuaded him to let her make breakfast as a “small thanks” for everything he’d done. He emerged from the bathroom at a quarter past eight to find her in the kitchen, her back to him, bracing herself against the counter and wiping her eyes. She was sniffling and shaking her head as though trying to quieten herself. Matt legged it over to her none too gracefully to see what was wrong.  
“Oh god Alex, what’s wrong? Are you okay?”  
“I’m fine, Matt, thank you.”  
“You’re crying”  
“I’m chopping onions!” She giggled through her tears, waving her hands at the chopping board in front of her. “I’m making omelettes, remember?”  
Matt couldn’t help but laugh at his own silliness. She was adorable, pretty much back to her usual cheery self again.

**************************************************************************************************************************************************

As they got into the car to go to work, Alex kept thanking Matt and apologising for being a burden. He wouldn’t hear of it.  
“Alex, you know I care a hell of a lot about you, I really do. You could never be a burden to me. In fact, I love having you around. I just wish I could make you feel better.”  
“You have, Matt. More than anyone has in a long time. And I’m so, so grateful for that. I care about you a hell of a lot too, you know.” She knew it was risky saying this, but she was losing her sense of control over what she said. She couldn’t help but feel something from him there, anyway. She loved him more than she had ever loved anyone in her life-except, of course, Salome-and never had she fallen for someone so hard and so fast. Replaying his words in her head, she tried to push away the thought that maybe, just maybe, he felt for her more than he was letting on.

_“I care a hell of a lot about you, I really do.”_

What did that mean?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I might do a song recommendation for each chapter from now on, let me know in the comments if you'd like me to or if you have any recommendations for me! I hope you liked that chapter, I aim to have at least one more up by the end of this week! xx


	4. Made of Stone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Please Alex, let me be yours._   
>  _Please Matt, forgive me._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry this chapter is so late, and not very well written. I had it written but my laptop crashed and it got deleted, and then I was without a laptop/internet access for about a week. Anyway, this chapter's title comes from the song recommendation, Love Me Like I'm Not Made of Stone by Lykke Li.
> 
>  
> 
> _Even though it hurts, even though it scars/Love me when it storms, love me when I fall/Everytime it breaks, everytime it's torn/Love me like I'm not made of stone_

They were sitting on the floor of the studio, taking a break, when Alex’s phone rang. Matt stopped mid-sentence, suddenly worried that this unexpected call would snatch away the relatively normal mood Alex had been in since they had talked the other night. She answered the phone in a polite, formal tone, but it was not one of concern, so Matt relaxed a little.

“Hello? Yes, speaking. Sorry? No, I booked for six weeks. Yes, fully paid. That’s right.” Matt picked up on the hint of annoyance in her voice, and raised his eyebrows questioningly in her direction. She simply rolled her eyes.  
“Well, can you relocate me? Oh. I see. Well, alright. I’ll have my things out by eight o’ clock this evening. Yes, that would be perfect. Thank you. Bye.” 

She hung up with an agitated sigh and turned to face Matt. “That was the hotel,” she explained. “There was a mistake with my bookings and they expected me to be gone this morning, they were confused when my stuff was still in the room and I hadn’t handed in my key. They’re going to refund me for the two extra weeks I’d paid for.”  
“Well, can’t they relocate you?”  
“Nope. Their bookings are full up from some wedding and they want me out by eight. Do you know any other decent hotels around here?”  
Matt smirked at her seductively, seeing his chance. “There’s a lovely little place called Matt’s Palace that will let you stay for free.” He was flirting, but inside he was praying for her to say yes.  
“Oh sweetie,” she began, blushing as he was. He cut her off for fear of her getting her own way.  
“Alex, don’t start on about being a burden, because you should know by now, you never are. I would love to have some company for a couple of weeks. I don’t always like living alone, you know.” His face had turned serious, and Alex stammered through her words.  
“Matt, I…I don’t know. Are you sure? Will you promise to say if you want me out? I could stay with my sister and take the train to work.”

Matt, of course, wasn’t going to let _that_ happen.

**************************************************************************************************************************************************

Seven hours later, at half past nine in the night, Alex was climbing out of Matt’s car, one small suitcase in her hands. Matt came up to stand beside her with the other suitcase and sighed contentedly. “I’m glad you agreed to stay with me Alex,” he said, starting towards the entrance.

He leapt up the steps and in the door of the building, so Alex had to jog to the lift to keep up with him. He turned to her after pressing the button, a mischievous gleam in his eyes. Alex felt herself blush under his gaze. “What’s that look for?” she asked.  
“You can’t keep up with me,” he replied.  
“So?”  
“I’ll race you to the flat. You take the lift, I’ll take the stairs.”  
“What? You can’t make it two floors and a corridor before a lift!” Alex was laughing, he was so arrogant sometimes. She knew, though, that underneath it all he wasn’t as confident as he appeared to be on the surface. He, of course, could have said the same for her.

The lift opened, and Matt pushed Alex in playfully. “See you there!” he called, sprinting away as the doors shut. Alex smiled and leaned against the wall of the lift. She could get used to being with him for a while. She did realise that it would be very painful to say goodbye after staying with him, perhaps more so than usual, but it would be worth it.

The lift doors opened, and Alex felt an odd rush of energy as she jogged out into the corridor. She was so close to the door, she had almost made it, and suddenly Matt flew around the corner. He skidded to a halt at the wall, and managed to land with his hands on either side of her as she turned to get out of the way. Their faces inches apart, both gasping for air, Alex felt like she was still running. A smirk was crawling its way up Matt’s cheeks.

“Hello, Kingston.”  
“Hello, Mr. Smith.”

They resisted the urge to close the gap between them.

**************************************************************************************************************************************************

Matt walked out of the bathroom and into the kitchen. He was considering taking Alex out for dinner tomorrow-as friends, he reminded himself sternly-to try to figure out whether or not his gut instinct was right. That morning when she had thought he was sleeping, that wasn’t something that a friend would do. He was terrified and trying not to get his hopes up, but all the same there wasn’t any harm in trying, was there?

Alex stood at the counter, putting ingredients together for dinner. Matt came up behind her as quietly as he could, and as he approached her, he could hear her humming under her breath. Her voice was lovely-not that he didn’t already know. Coventry Carol had been on his every playlist for the past month.

“You’ve got a beautiful voice, you know.”  
Alex squealed and turned abruptly to face him. “Matt, you scared the living daylights out of me!”  
“Sorry, I just wanted to listen to your loveliness,” Matt said, laughing. Alex was blushing again.  
“Oh, stop it, you. I can’t sing to save my life.”  
“Excuse me, I’ve heard the recording of Coventry Carol! I love your voice.”  
“Now you’re just trying to flatter me! But thank you. I was so nervous recording that, I’d never done anything like it.”  
“I’m not just trying to flatter you, Kingston,” Matt insisted. “I love your voice.” Then he realised; this was the time. They were both calm (apart from the fact that his heart was racing), he wouldn’t be interrupting any important conversation, she was happy…”I love everything about you,” he added quietly.

Alex, who had turned back to chopping vegetables, felt her shoulders tense as she lowered the knife. Suddenly she remembered all the things of this sort he had said to her, and she knew that she had to make the conversation go in a different direction.

_"Alex?"_  
 _"Yes, dear?"_  
 _"I like you."_  
 _"Oh, um...I like you too, Matt."_  
 _"Yeah, but no, Alex, I really like you. You're funny and smart and kind and sexy. I've wanted to tell you for ages, you know...I just didn't know how."_

Or the last time she had stayed with him.

_“I care a hell of a lot about you, I really do.”_

Alex didn’t know what to say to him now. Even if he was attracted to her, she knew there was no way he could love her the way she loved him. Eventually, she settled for “Matt, you know that’s not true.”  
“It is. Don’t ever think otherwise, because Alex, I’m very serious when I say that never have I fallen for someone like this. I know you won’t feel the same way for me, but I need you to know. I’m so, so happy being your friend.”

She couldn’t breathe. It was like everything was crushing in on her, and when she turned again to face him, he was too close. She opened her mouth to say something, but the words sounded strangled and it was clear that she was trying not to cry.  
“Matt…I don’t…I don’t know how…”

And then her eyes were closed and his lips were soft, so soft, and the tears were flowing freely down her face as he held her so tenderly. Her thumbs caressed his cheeks, he had one hand on the small of her back while the other roamed her curls, and they were _safe and together and nothing could harm them here._  
It was the most glorious, loving kiss Alex had ever shared with anybody. It was unlike any they had ever filmed, and she knew that his feelings mirrored her own.

She broke it off and looked, startled, into his eyes, as though she had only just realised what had happened. The scared, vulnerable expression on her face was quickly concealed as she stared up at Matt’s loving look with anger and upset written on her features.

“Alex?” Matt’s was fast changing to a look of dismay.  
“What the hell was that?! Matt, I am nearly twenty years older than you! You can’t do that! You think you love me, but you are too young to even know what love is!” The tears were pouring down her face, and she wiped them away furiously. Her whole body shook with sobs.  
“Alex please, just give me a chance. I love you more than I’ve ever loved anyone. And Alex…I know that you must feel something for me. I wasn’t exactly forcing you to kiss me. And the other morning, when you thought I was asleep...”  
 _No,_ she thought, _don’t do this…I can’t do this now…_  
“Matt, stop it! I’m sorry, but please, don’t do this! You know it won’t work out!”  
“So you don’t deny it? You do have feelings for me,” Matt said gently, trying desperately to show her that they had a chance.  
 _“Of course I do!”_ Alex cried, shocking them both into silence. They stood there for a few moments, trying to regain control of their breathing and sort out the chaos in their minds. It was Alex who spoke first. She sounded small and broken, and Matt felt his stomach drop at her words.

“I’m sorry. I think I should go.” She went to get her things, not yet unpacked, and he wanted to follow her, to call her back and beg her to stay, but he knew there was no point. Instead he dropped down on the couch in the living room and held his head in his hands, defeated.

**************************************************************************************************************************************************

Alex was in her trailer, applying extra concealer to hide the dark circles under her eyes. She hadn’t slept at all, barely managing to escape her sister’s questions before making it to the spare room and crying all night. She just couldn’t believe it. She knew that nothing could happen between them, no matter how they felt, but god it hurt. The pain in her chest had evolved into a dull, constant ache, and she could tell that the crew were worried. She had just told them that she was under the weather.

Then came the light knock at the door, the same reluctant knock that she had heard that morning when Matt had given her the bouquet of roses. Two of those beautiful flowers were left, being pressed under a heavy pile of books in the corner. She took a deep breath and answered it.

**************************************************************************************************************************************************

Alex opened the door, with an expression every bit as sorrowful as the one Matt wore. He knew he had hurt her, and the thought was breaking him apart. He brought the small bag forwards.  
“Sorry to bother you, but you left a few of your things behind last night.”  
“Oh…thank you. Um, do you want to come in?”  
“I’m fine, thanks. I think I’ll just go to my trailer and look over the scenes,” he said uneasily. He didn’t want to intrude. He had ruined their friendship.  
“Matt, I think we need to discuss this civilly, don’t you?”  
Matt, nervous and guilty, stepped into her trailer.

**************************************************************************************************************************************************

She gripped the counter as the kettle boiled, keeping her back to him so she didn’t have to see the hurt on his face. The guilt was eating her alive; she felt like she had blamed it all on Matt last night, when it was entirely her own fault. Matt was sitting on the couch, staring at her back, wondering where he went wrong and how he  
could make it up to her.

“Listen Matt,” she began, “I am so sorry about the things I said last night. I didn’t mean to say them, I was just emotional. I didn’t know how to react. You’re one of the most talented, intelligent, compassionate people I’ve ever met. And I know you aren’t too young to love somebody-there is no such thing as being too young for that.”  
“Then why don’t we try to make this work?”  
“Because I am old, Matt, and this isn’t what you deserve. What you need is someone young, someone who can love you for the rest of your lives and with whom you can have children.”  
“What I need is you.”  
She found herself facing him once more. “What about ten, twenty years down the line? When I am seventy and I am frail and wrinkled and my hair is grey, and you can see that I am fading away and that you are going to lose me? What then? And I have a daughter to take care of. The press would eat us alive, she would be hit by it too. You’ve never even met her.”  
“Alex, losing you isn’t something I want to think about, but the truth is, we all lose each other in the end. Everybody does. I think in some ways, we prepare ourselves for it. As for the press, we can keep it secret. I would love to help raise Salome, if you’ll allow me. I would do anything for you Alex. And you will always be beautiful to me, because you’re you, and I love you. God, I love you so much.”

They were weeping, and what Alex said next ripped her heart to shreds, because it was the biggest and worst lie she would ever tell.

_“But I don’t love you.”_

Matt looked like he’d been punched in the stomach. Turning him away was the hardest thing Alex would ever do, and they struggled through their scenes numbly for the rest of the day. Their acting was atrociously bad, and they only got a couple of decent takes. They didn’t care.

**************************************************************************************************************************************************

Going home that evening, their thoughts were mirrored. Hurt, sorrow, an overwhelming sense of hopelessness. They wanted to cry, but they were too numb to do so. Matt felt alone and cold in his flat. For Alex, her sister’s spare room might as well have been a prison.

_Please Alex, let me be yours._

_Please Matt, forgive me._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There you have it! The fifth chapter should be up fairly soon. Thank you for all your lovely comments, I really appreciate it! I've also decided to make a ninth chapter, which will be an extended track listing for anyone who is interested. Bye for now, sweeties! xx


	5. And Gold Turns Grey

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A woman he still loved, though she had thought he wouldn’t. Someone whom he could never leave, because although she was old and frail, although he could see her slipping away from him, he had promised her all those years ago that he would never leave her, and she was his guiding light. She was still Alex. He knew that it would hurt unspeakably to lose her, but to be with her for as long as they could be together? It would be worth every second.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is basically a chapter of their thoughts. It's quite short, so i apologise, but I've spent the past few days trying not to puke my guts up and it was hard to write. Anyway, I hope you enjoy this!  
> The chapter title and, in fact, the title of the fic itself both come from the song "Stay Gold" by First Aid Kit. It's beautiful, I really recommend looking them up! :3  
>  _What if to love and be loved's not enough?_  
>  _What if I fall and can't bear to get up?_  
>  _Oh I wish, for once, we could stay gold_

_Alex, 11:30pm Sunday_

She lay in bed in her sister’s spare room and struggled to think straight. Sunday was their day off, so she hadn’t seen Matt since she had lied to him.  
_She had lied to him._  
The thought hit her again, sending wave upon wave of guilt coursing through her.

_“I don’t love you!”_

Of course she did. She loved him completely, unconditionally. He was naïve, and perhaps he had too strong a temper sometimes. But she loved him. His flaws, his perfections, his compassion, his spirit. His life. And now, she had caused the love of her life so much pain. She knew it was temporary, but it still hurt. 

She wanted to drive to his flat, throw herself into his arms and never leave. However, she knew what it would cost him. A beautiful wife with whom he could share his whole life, with whom he could have a family. A career not ruined by bad press attention, gained from being with a woman old enough to be his mother. He didn’t know what he was getting himself into. 

Also, she was scared. She was already twice divorced. What if a relationship with Matt turned out the same way? She didn’t want to hurt anyone-or herself-any more.

She pictured Matt, her wonderful Matt, with an old woman. A woman he had loved so many years ago, who used to be gorgeous. Someone who, now, he could not leave, because although she was old and frail and he felt tied down, although he could see her slipping away from him, he had promised her all those years ago that he would never leave her. She wasn’t even Alex anymore. She was an old woman who had changed because she could see what Matt had become, and she was guilty and saddened.

Alex wasn’t going to let that happen. _“Matt might think I’m the only one for him,”_ she thought, _“but he will move on. He will find someone, settle down and move on. He will have a great life and he won’t remember me. He will be happy.”_

The last image that flashed across her mind before sleep took her was that of her and Matt in a garden of cherry blossoms, his stride light and carefree and the sun shining on her golden curls.

But gold turns grey.

She knew that.

**************************************************************************************************************************************************

_Matt, 11:30pm Sunday_

He lay in bed in his flat and struggled to think straight. Sunday was their day off, so he hadn’t seen Alex since she had turned him away.

_She had turned him away._

The thought hit him again, sending wave upon wave of pain coursing through him.

_“I don’t love you!”_

But he loved her. Of course he did. He loved her completely, unconditionally. She was insecure, and perhaps she had too strong a temper sometimes. But he loved her. Her flaws, her perfections, her compassion, her spirit. Her life. And now, he had caused the love of his life so much pain. He knew it was temporary, but it still hurt. He had ruined the friendship they had had.

He wanted to drive to her sister’s house, throw himself into her embrace and never leave. However, he knew that would never happen. She didn’t love him. Or, at least, she said she didn’t. He had a feeling that she might be lying, trying to protect them both. If so, it wasn’t protecting him. He had never felt so defeated, and he didn’t know how to fix the mess he had made. He needed her. He couldn’t remember how he had survived without her, before they had met. His heart was aching, and he knew it was giving in in despair. 

And he knew that she was scared. She was already twice divorced. She was probably worried that their relationship would turn out the same way. She wouldn’t want to hurt anyone-or herself-any more.

He pictured Alex, his wonderful Alex, an old woman. A woman he still loved, though she had thought he wouldn’t. Someone whom he could never leave, because although she was old and frail, although he could see her slipping away from him, he had promised her all those years ago that he would never leave her, and she was his guiding light. She was still Alex. He knew that it would hurt unspeakably to lose her, but to be with her for as long as they could be together? It would be worth every second.

Matt needed to make it happen, but he didn’t know how. She was the only one for him. How could there possibly be anyone else?

The last image that flashed across his mind before sleep took her was that of he and Alex watching the sun set together, their hearts as one, his arms protecting her and the sun shining on her golden curls.

And gold turns grey.

He didn’t care.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading, and to the people who keep commenting, thank you so much...you really do keep me writing! xx


	6. Fleeting One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Matt? Matt, I am so sorry. I hurt you and I lied to you. I love you! I love you more than I have ever loved anybody, and I am so sorry! I lied because I was afraid of what I was feeling, and now it’s too late…oh, Matt, I love you…I love you…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh god oh god....i wasn't even sure if i would post this chapter cause it's poorly written tbh, and i know you'll all hate me. here's hoping not!  
> This is based loosely on the song "Fleeting One" by First Aid Kit.  
>  _My life is a fleeting one/My work is just a web I've spun/Oh, my life is a setting sun_  
>  It's really beautiful, you should have a listen!

_Alex, 2:33am Monday_

Alex could see it all, how it had happened. How her thoughts had drifted away from Matt and towards sleep. How the noises from the kitchen had awoken her, alone in her sister’s house.

She had crept down the stairs, heavy candlestick in her hand.

She could still see it.

The creaking of the stairs, her scampering back like a frightened animal to the bedroom.  
Hiding behind the door, trying to keep it closed as the thudding footsteps approached and came to the door.

_“Someone’s in there!”_

The struggle, the battle for information. They knew who she was, vaguely. Those two tall men in oversized clothes with bags of her sister’s valuables.

_“We’ll come back for you. You give tell it were us, we’ll be back for you, your family, your daughter.”_

_Salomé._

_“I won’t, please, I swear I won’t! Stop!”_

The pain that blossomed in her chest. The terror that had ravaged her, had let her be dragged to the landing trying desperately to fight them off, had given her the adrenaline rush that let her keep going. The pure, panic-driven energy.

_“Now if anyone asks, you fell. You didn’t hear nuffink of us, is that clear?”_

**************************************************************************************************************************************************

Alex was thrown down the stairs. Each step drew from her a new cry of pain, she couldn’t see, everything was black and red and blotchy behind her eyes. Never in her life had she been so scared.

The fall was quick enough that she only truly felt the pain when she hit the cold, hard tiles at the bottom. Briefly she acknowledged the footsteps coming towards her and the muffled voices.

_“Shit man, she don’t look so good, you threw her too hard.”_   
_“Me? It was your idea to go for this stupid place!”_   
_“Come on, get out the fucking door before the coppers get here!”_

Every inch of her body hurt. Her head was pounding, so much so that she was certain it would split open at any moment. Her left wrist was swollen and aching from where she had tried to defend herself and received a kick. Her legs and arms were covered in bruises, and she was lying in blood. Upon trying to move, her right knee screamed for her to stop and nausea hit her in relentless waves. Worst of all were her ribs. They were like fire, constricting her breathing and forcing her to take ragged, shallow breaths. Dizziness overcame her and she had to lay her head back on the floor.

_I’m going to die here._

She banished the thought as soon as it came. Panicked, she glanced across the hallway and caught sight of the landline on the low table. If she could drag herself over there, she could call the police, an ambulance. Save herself.

But as she pulled herself forward onto her belly, her body was wracked with pain. She knew, somehow, that the blurry edges of her vision would pull her in soon. The agony of dragging herself to the phone with her good arm and leg was enough to send her into hysterics. Trying to control herself and stop the tears pouring down her face, Alex pulled herself up to the receiver.

_Salomé._

She couldn’t, not now, not like this. The flames licking her ribcage and the fear of leaving her daughter alone would prevent her from talking. She would traumatise her child. All her regrets were pushing in on her, not being there for her daughter, missing Michelle’s funeral, the risks she hadn’t taken, the life she hadn’t lived.

_Oh god, she was dying._

And Matt. She had never loved any man like that. God, what had she done? She had been such a fool. She had hurt him and lied to him, conning herself into believing she was protecting him when really she was just scared. And now, she was going to leave him here without ever telling him she loved him.

No. No, she was not, because if there was one thing she was going to do, it was to make things right with Matt. It took all her strength just to dial the number before collapsing next to the phone, clutching it tight to her and praying aloud through her laboured breathing that he would pick up for an unknown number at this time of night. 

“Hello?”   
“Matt!”  
“Alex? Is that you? Are you alright?”  
“Matt, oh god, Matt…I’m so sorry.”  
“Alex? What’s wrong? Sorry for what?” She could already hear the panic rising in his voice.  
“Matt, listen to me, I’m at my sister’s house, there was a break in, I…I need you to do something for me Matt.”  
She could hear bangs on the other end of the line and knew he was going to try to come to her.  
“Alex oh god, are you alright?”  
“Matt, listen to me.”  
“I am, darling, I am!” He was too loud, her head hurt, but she didn’t have the heart to tell him so.  
“I need you to tell Salomé something. Tell her that I love her. Tell her I am so, so s-sorry for not being there for her and that she will always be my world. I need her to know, Matt. Sh-she is the m-most important thing in my entire life. I love her so much.” Tears stained her cheeks once as she realised that never again could she hold her baby, hear her laugh, see her smile. She could never help her. It was becoming increasingly hard for her to speak now. She gulped in breaths like she was drowning.

On the other end, Matt was crying out for her. There was fright in his voice and she could hear him sobbing out her name.  
“Alex, it won’t come to that! I’m already in the car, I’m on my way, I’m going to call the police! Stay there Alex, hold on for me, please, for god’s sake, hold on!”  
“It’s too late! I’m so sorry Matt, it’s too late!” They were both sobbing desperately, and Alex could feel the last of her strength leaving her. “Matt? Matt, I am so sorry. I hurt you and I lied to you. I love you! I love you more than I have ever loved anybody, and I am so sorry! I lied because I was afraid of what I was feeling, and now it’s too late…oh, Matt, I love you…I love you…”  
“Alex! Alex, I love you too much to let this happen! Please, I forgive you, I forgive everything, I need you!”  
“Goodbye, Matt, my darling,” she sobbed. She couldn’t keep going any longer.  
“Alex, no! I love you! Alex, please, hold on for me! Alex! ALEX!”

She hung up the phone.

Pain flared up and engulfed her senses one more. It hurt to cry. With every heaving sob her chest was shattering and she couldn’t breathe. She lay down on the cold, hard floor and closed her eyes to the world. The pain, the sorrow, the regrets…they were too strong, taking over her until she was numb. The floor rippled beneath her, rocking her to sleep. The last thing she thought of was Salomé, happy and carefree.

Her mind content with this image, Alex slipped away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh god i'm so sorry i don't know why i did that! please be completely honest in the comments, my life has been rather hectic lately but i hope to have the next chapter up sooner than this one was uploaded! im sorry!


	7. Lay Down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And he walked away.  
> He walked away from his guiding light, the love of his life.  
> He walked away from Alex.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so so sorry it took such a ridiculous length to get this up but I broke my laptop so yeah. I literally wrote this in about two hours between classes, cause I felt so bad about it!  
> It was very difficult to write, but I hope I did okay. There may, I think, be slight triggers in this chapter, I'm not sure. I just thought I'd say it to be safe.  
> The songs that spurred me on were This Woman's Work by Kate Bush  
> ( _I should be cryin but I just can't let it show/I should be hoping but I can't stop thinking/Of all the things I should've said that I never said/All the things we should've done but we never did/All the things I should've given but I didn't/Oh, darling, make it go away_ )
> 
>  
> 
> __  
> And Lay Me Down by Sam Smith  
>  ( _Can I lay by your side?/Next to you?/And make sure you're alright?/I'll take care of you/And I don't want to be here if I can't be with you tonight_ )  
> 

Matt could see her parents in the front row. Her mother was weeping bitterly, her father holding her close. She wouldn't have wanted this, all this sorrow. Steven and Sue huddled together, the pain etched into the lines of their faces. Karen, silent tears trickling down her face, and Arthur, crying far more than she was.  
*****************************************************************************************************************************************************

_Matt raced up the driveway and through the front door-oh, God, why was it open?-his heart pounding, his mouth dry with dread and fear._

*****************************************************************************************************************************************************

He could see her friend, Jen, and her sister Nicola standing up to lay flowers on the altar. He knew Florian was in the next row. He couldn't bear to look at Salomé.

*****************************************************************************************************************************************************

_Her head lolled horribly and her hands were cold. The smell of urine penetrated the air, and all he could do was cling to her, scream and cry and sob out her name, kiss her brow over and over. There was no response. His pleas turned from desperate and frantic to gentle, sorrowful murmurs as he let the tears flow into her soft curls._

_*****************************************************************************************************************************************************_

He stayed in the pew for a long time after everyone left. Nobody tried to make him leave. Only her mother came over to put a hand on his shoulder and say "Thank you. She loved you, she really did. You made her so happy." 

_*****************************************************************************************************************************************************_

_They tore him away from her, even though he had sworn to remain with her always. "Not now," he thought, "not like this. This isn't how it ends." He just wanted to keep her safe._

__*****************************************************************************************************************************************************_ _

He kissed the coffin once and whispered his last goodbye. It hurt, it hurt so badly through the cold wall he had put up that he could barely breathe, yet still no more tears were there to fall. The ache that swelled from his heart to consume him, found a way into his voice.  
"I love you. swear, I can't ever stop loving you. And I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have fought with you. If I hadn't said those things, if I had gotten there sooner..." His voice cracked. He couldn't go on, but there was nothing more to say anyway. He turned and walked down the aisle, past the rows of pews where he had once pictured the witnesses would sit, back the way he had come, and out towards the graveyard. 

__*****************************************************************************************************************************************************_ _

_A hand on his shoulder, that's all it took for him to know she was too far gone. "I'm sorry," the nurse said. That was when his world ended and his heart crumbled. He had lost her._

___*****************************************************************************************************************************************************_ _ _

____It was Matt who took the place of her father when he couldn't carry the coffin any longer. He felt it was his duty to her. He owed her family this much, for what he had done and failed to do. It was Matt who helped Salomé put the first handful of soil into the grave, because she was trembling too much to do it alone.  
And suddenly the grave was full, and it was starting to rain. As everyone left, as Florian led his crying daughter from the cemetery, Matt stood and watched the heavy drops drench the lilies and the fresh soil. A drop ran like a tear down the photograph of her that had been laid down beside the temporary cross. Eventually he sat down beside her, and it grew dark around him. He knew it was time to go. At last, the tears he had long been awaiting made their way down his cheeks, and his chest heaved with sobs as he stood.  
He planted a kiss on her picture.  
And he walked away.  
He walked away from his guiding light, the love of his life.  
He walked away from Alex. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter will be an epilogue, but I am choosing between two versions at the moment. Thank you so much for sticking with me on this, and for commenting and leaving kudos etc...it keeps me writing! xx


	8. Without Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Happy birthday, Alex," he whispers.  
> Hundreds of these artworks, carefully etched onto the pages, written with the greatest of care, flutter down and sink into the ocean. Matt carefully moves to the edge of the cliff and sits down. By now I know, he feels peaceful here, with the smell of the sea and the song of the gulls washing over him like the waves.  
> "Thank you," I whisper in reply.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alex's point of view.  
> Sorry for the briefness of this one, but I don't think it needs much more.  
> Thanks for reading!  
> The song that spurred me on for this was Watching You Without Me by Kate Bush.  
>  _Can't let you know what's been happening/There's a ghost in our home/She's watching you without me_

A tall, thin man with long grey hair stands before me, on the edge of the cliff. 350 feet below, the English Channel crashes into the rocks. In his arms there are sketches, sketches of me, and notebook pages torn out and covered with writings and messages. Part of me wishes I could read them, but I know what they are anyway. He does this every year. 

 

"Happy birthday, Alex," he whispers.

 

Hundreds of these artworks, carefully etched onto the pages, written with the greatest of care, flutter down and sink into the ocean. Matt carefully moves to the edge of the cliff and sits down. By now I know, he feels peaceful here, with the smell of the sea and the song of the gulls washing over him like the waves.

 

"Thank you," I whisper in reply. He can't hear me.

 

There is a reason why I have not left this Earth completely. There is a reason why, sometimes, something pulls me back to it from wherever I was. It is not Salomé, who, although she cries on certain days of the year, has her father and her family. It is Matt.

He has family too, a sister. Laura married a long time ago and her children have since grown. Matt needs someone, though. Someone central in his life.

 

I do not follow him home on those nights when his heart is bitter and his eyes are full of tears. There is nothing I can do for him then.

 

I did not, when he was younger, follow him home on those rare nights when he had a pretty young woman on his arm, when he was laughing drunkenly and telling her she was beautiful.  
There was always a dead look in his eyes on those nights.

 

At least he has stopped hurting so much. His career ground to a halt at one point, but skyrocketed shortly after. He refuses, to this day, to speak of me during interviews. He has a star on the Hollywood walk of fame. He has been like an uncle to Salomé.

 

I know that some part of him still needs me here, but there is no way to get through to him. I am stuck here when I am drawn to him, sometimes for no apparent reason at all, and sometimes it is too much to bear. 

 

Nights when he is happy, or nights when he is thinking of us together and smiling, those are the nights when I follow him home. He has learned to hurt and cope with it, and he has our memories. I'm glad he has learned to live once more.

 

After some moments of watching the sea foam washing over the rocks, he stands. He is silhouetted against the skyline, his silver hair blowing freely around him like a halo. Eventually, he leaves, walking slowly back down a little lane to the car where a small terrier waits to give him companionship. He is at peace with himself.

 

I know, someday, he will be the one to follow me home, and we can be together again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So there you have it! I don't really know how to explain why I wrote this fic, other than that I found some of the ones I had read predictable. You only had to figure out how they could possibly have a happy ending and there it was, you knew how it would end. That being said, most of them are still fantastic and they put me to shame! xx Neither was I in a good place when I first got the idea to write this. I'm fine now, but I still stuck to my original layout.  
> Special shoutout to TrisPrior111 and River_Melody_Pond for sticking with me through the whole thing and leaving such lovely comments! Thanks to everyone also for the comments and kudos, they mean a lot. Thank you for reading! xx


	9. Tracking the Chapters

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As promised, the complete track listing for anyone who wants it/wants background music/feels like we share the same taste in music.

Chapter 1-Poire Royale  
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AOPMlIIg_38&list=PL2DaD9fUkpcuKykVBh_N6xLJpr1x1mQLI

Chapter 2-Shakespeare's Vows  
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BrPGuARYymo&list=PL2DaD9fUkpcsvSq5x7UVRfOWYJV3NLigc

Chapter 3-Mutually Assured Destruction  
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xyEHKGDSg5I&list=PL2DaD9fUkpcveI4AOgTgKFF6158u2z15X

Chapter 4-Made of Stone  
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D7iLERCEznI&list=PL2DaD9fUkpcuqt4OOK5rd122ouSvMDdfP

Chapter 5-And Gold Turns Grey  
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=veHUZMoKObc&list=PL2DaD9fUkpctg-nVKcdj75OPELuNR9EZu

Chapter 6-Fleeting One  
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tw91mqfbJ2s&list=PL2DaD9fUkpcuB3nfP4f8GN1lzJhWT7Mzn

Chapter 7-Lay Down  
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iEHqPCA_lzQ&list=PL2DaD9fUkpcvvm0lxiaE17MVDYnQEMyiX

Chapter 8-Without Me  
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j_tfHYLBYHM&list=PL2DaD9fUkpcsfupazKxqFo5fEEXKjwjhq

Enjoy! xx

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please note that I may add to or take from these playlists at any stage. I also have music videos, Doctor Who videos and cover songs on my channel for anyone who (for any bizarre reason) is interested. Thank you! xx


End file.
